If Burning Man was actually what people think it is!

When I talk to people about Burning Man, people who have never been, I’m always amused by the array of the ideas of what they think Burning Man is like.  So this morning I got to thinking about what our experience on the Playa would be like if Black Rock City was really the place they think it is, so here’s a little thought exercise to take your mind off packing lists and ticket delivery dates, oh shit, I’ve got packing to do.

 

Arrival

Arriving at Burning Man the excitement always builds, rolling down the dusty road, reading the entry signs carefully placed so that if you’re speeding they are too hard to read.  You start to get dust blasted and soon you arrive at GATE.  Of course instead of getting your car checked for contraband and stowaway midgets, in addition your GATE team would also make sure you’re properly stocked for the event and to make sure, would give you your welcome kit including a full weeks supply of LSD, Ecstasy, condoms and lubricant.

You then merrily make your way, after dropping  a tab or two, on to the GREETERS, which signifies your true entry into Burning Man so of course this is where you get out of your vehicle and take your clothes off.  Once naked you will immediately be felated by your choice of greeters.  This being Burning Man you will have your choice of felators, you can pick from any gender or sexual preference, there is even a special lane of course for group felating.

 

Camps

Being the multi-everything event that Burning Man is you will certainly have your choice of theme camps.  There will be a wide variety of sex or drugs or rave camps where people are provided with free uppers to keep the 24 hour a day party going.  Of course single themed camps like Bong World are really only for virgin burners as veterans, grizzled maniacs who’ve survived multiple previous burns, are more likely to be able to handle the multi-themed camps.  These multi-themed camps are very popular with the veterans as they often cater to very specific and demented kinks.  Decorum and several state laws in the midwest and south prohibit me from going into details but let us leave it with the names of some of the more popular camp names which include: Angry Dragon Camp, Dirty Sanchez Village, Coke Fueled Felchers, Monkey Wrenchers on Meth, Hot Rocks & Pearl Necklaces, Queefers on E, The Twisted Sisters, Fucked Up Figgers, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds and Unicorns (Camp LSDU), Fucking Fire and Ice and my personal favorite Ookie, Gookie Cookie Quaalude Camp.

The real question of course is how do you win at Burning Man, you know, get into the best camp in Black Rock City.  Quite frankly it’s not easy, it takes years of debauchery and depraved indifference but if you can survive 10 years on the Playa, you may get an invitation to the most sacred and secret camp at Burning Man, The Full HST Experience Camp.  Out of fear and loathing  for my safety, I cannot tell you anything else about this camp.

 

 

Art at Burning Man

Let’s face it folks, the art is really nothing but a cover for the depravity, but it has to be made to look good.  That’s why professional art crews are flown in from around the world, San Francisco, New York, Paris, Florence to install massive art structures on the Playa.  I mean seriously, how would a bunch of naked, stoned hippies and ravers have the time or the wits to install giant art installations.  Also, this is the explanation for why the tickets are so damn expensive, seriously, did you think it costs over $400 to camp on a desolate and dusty lakebed in the middle of nowhere?!

 

Gift Culture

One of the best things about Burning Man is the lack of any kind of commerce, except of course when we sell things.  For those on the outside they understand that what truly happens is an “underground” commerce.  Sure, we don’t exchange cash for drinks at a Playa bar but we all know a gin and tonic costs a hit of “E”, a Margarita a hand job, and specialized cocktails go for, really, kids might read this for fuck sake, I’m not writing about what happens if you ask for a specialized cocktail on the Playa, don’t you have an imagination, sheesh.

 

Burning the Man

Our New Years Eve equivalent, the big party, but people know what’s really going on here.  A drug fueled frenzy where cocaine is weaponized into a fine mist-like powder and sprayed through the crowd.  Of course the price of entry to the big burn is a hit of your favorite hallucinogen, a few caps or several drops of liquid LSD.  The best part of the man burn is when people watch it online from home, the confusion is epic.  You see there actually is no burning of the man, each year the drugs, group delusions and hallucinations allow the participants to watch the most amazing fire experience of their life and it doesn’t even happen!  Folks watching at home watch as the crowd grooves and dances to the imaginary fire while crews of technicians dissemble and remove the man dumping a pile of burnt rubble in its place.

 

Being Dirty

One of the things I always hear from people is I can’t go to Burning Man, I couldn’t be that dirty for a week, I need to shower.  I try to explain that there are both showers and also non-showering ways to stay clean but they no better and of course this is what we all look like all week.

 

The Temple

I’ve written pieces on The Temple including calling it The Heart of Burning Man, but people on the outside know what the Temple Burn is really all about.  Our friends at Christwire.org have already blown the lid off this one so I let you read all about it there, however this quote really says it all doesn’t it.

Heathen children utter the written lyrics from post-modern Satan-worship bands the The Atheist Phish, Snoop Lion and DJ Kalafi, until sweat drips down their brow and they summon The Burning Man himself, Satan. 

 

photo credit ~ Katrina Blum